Does Forcing Obedience In Children Result In Them Having A Better Work Ethic?

This is in response to an article titled “PARENTING: Lessons in obedience today result in a better work ethic tomorrow” by Jenni Stahlmann and Jody Hagaman.

I disagree with the premise that children need “lessons in obedience” in order to develop a “better” work ethic. I’ll list the three aspects of obedience the authors present in the article, followed by my rebuttal.

1.“Teaching our kids to respond to us immediately helps fight a sense of entitlement.”

No. Ironically, when you expect immediate obedience from children just because you say so, you are teaching them what entitlement looks like. Expecting children to immediately drop whatever they are doing in order to blindly comply, is teaching them that your agenda is ALWAYS more important than theirs. It doesn’t teach them that you both have agendas and to be mindful of that. It doesn’t teach them cooperation, negotiation, understanding, fairness, justice, empathy or respect for others. It teaches them that the “person is charge” must always be immediately obeyed. When it comes to work ethic, I wouldn’t want to hire someone that is going to be mindlessly compliant. I want someone that is going to thoughtfully disagree with me, point out something they feel isn’t fair, and present ideas that contradict mine. Take a look at the true innovators, entrepreneurs and change-makers in our society. Are these “reflective rebels” or “obedient rule-followers”?

2. “Kids should learn to obey mom and dad with a “happy heart” or “cheerfully”.

No. This is teaching children to mask their true feelings and act “cheerful” even if they aren’t. Children should be allowed to express their feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. If the child is unhappy about certain responsibilities, they should have the right to express their unhappiness and have those feelings validated. This doesn’t mean they should relinquish those responsibilities, but instead they can receive understanding and empathy for their situation. If children aren’t allowed to express and have validated their true feelings by parents, they will seek out others who will. Regarding work ethic, I would find it very unfortunate to have an employee hide their true feelings from me and instead resign because of their unhappiness. If they would have felt comfortable with communicated their true feelings, perhaps some negotiation could have taken place and we would have both been satisfied with the outcome. I want to work with others that can communicate their true feelings, not hide them behind a fake “cheerful” mask.

3. “Obeying mom and dad thoroughly means taking full responsibility for their work and pressing on until the job is 100 percent done.”

No. Taking “full responsibility” for something is more meaningful when it is done without coercion. Forcing obedience and compliance 100% of the time sounds like an authoritarian nightmare. Is it fair to expect perfection from children, when we are all imperfect—including the parents? I would prefer employees that want to complete a project and do their best, because they enjoy the project and want to deliver a great result for the client, not because they want to simply obey me out of fear.

“Instant obedience and mindless compliance are poor goals indeed, when raising children. A thoughtfully questioning, passionately curious and humorously resourceful child, who wants to know why, who delights in inventing ‘compromises’ and who endlessly pushes the boundaries, tends to become a thoughtful, passionate, resourceful adult who will change the world rather than being changed by the world.” [L.R. Knost]

Recommended reading / listening / watching:
We Need to Talk about Childism
Why Obedience is NOT my Parenting Goal
The Case Against Coercion
The Inauthenticity and Immorality of Coercion (Podcast)
What if we trusted you?: Jerry Michalski at TEDxCopehhagen 2012 (Video)
The Grass Moment – Helping Kids to Become Reflective Rebels